A problem shared is a blog-readership confused

I just squished my duck-billed platypus.

Cry cry cry cry cry.

You've got entirely nonsensical mail!

Yes, I know, I haven't posted in many moons, I'm a terrible person, etc etc. But now I have been shaken out of my complacency by sheer bafflement. Last week, I received a brown University of Cambridge envelope in my pigeonhole by internal mail. Ever since I went to Education Not For Sale's radical teach-in, to which the proctors turned up in their silly hats and gowns and took a list of our names, I've been expecting notice of disciplinary action every time I get one of these. As ever, it wasn't that, but I'm now so confused I almost wish it had been.

What was inside the envelope was what I can only describe (since Mark suggested it - I'm just not that original myself) as a self-assembly ransom note. Somebody had sent me a double page spread from Varsity, one of the student papers, with absolutely nothing on it of any relevance to me (unless you count the fact that the gossip column had a story in it about something that happened in King's of which I had no knowledge whatsoever). Nothing was ringed or marked, there was no note, and unless somebody's worried I'm anorexic or perhaps not fashionable enough, there was no reason why any of the features should have been particularly brought to my attention.

I am baffled.

The worst thing is, the handwriting on the envelope is quite distinctively atrocious - both Mark and I are sure we recognise it, but I just can't think whose it is. I may have to give in to Facebook's stupid notes feature purely in an attempt to try and find out what the hell this was all about. It must be a student that sent it; I mean, yes, Cambridge fellows are eccentric, but not that eccentric. Although it did come in a University of Cambridge envelope...

Any creative suggestions as to what the bleedin' Nora this could mean are very much welcome (apart from anything else, they will distract me from my two looming 5,000-word-essay deadlines...)